A Beast

I was taken to the arena to perform before spectators. I do not know who they were. There were women. I know this because I could smell them.

I was brought to this arena hooded and chained. My hood only removed when I was to fight. It took many times of blinking for my eyes to adjust and by then I was too busy to look upon the people who watched. But it was then that I could smell and almost taste the women that were there. It was maddening and distracting.

I fought and I fought well. I fought each man put against me. Some were men I knew from my training. Others I had never seen before. But each one I took. I do not remember the fights. I was angry. I remember only that I won. It was the only comfort to me in a day that was full of my frustration.

I was a beast. I performed like a beast for the pleasure of others. I had no choice. It was do or die. Win or lose. I do not like to lose. So I entertained. I could hear their yells. Some for me, some against. I could hear them laughing. I wanted to kill them. Unter's training showed for I did not try to escape I took out my anger upon the men who came against me.

As I sit in my cell I am angry still. Now I am angry at myself. Angry that I am a beast. A performing animal. I did not fight for my freedom today. I fought to win against fighters. I performed. I entertained.

There were women there. I could smell them.

Tonight I weep within myself for what I have become. For what I have lost. I scream like the larl against my own captivity. Tonight I wish to die. To be no more. I do not wish to face my own reflection.

I threw my bowl against the door and shattered the clay into tiny fragments. I then grabbed the sharp pieces and I let them cut and shred the rough skin of my hands. I drug the handfuls of shards across my chest until blood ran freely mingled with sweat upon the muscle. For the first time I used my voice since my capture. I screamed at the ceiling. I yelled at the Sky I could not see. I sang in my own language songs of battle and songs of love until I had no more voice.

I did not cry.

I do not deserve my own tears.